


If You Can't See Where It Keeps Its Brain

by jedusaur



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ancient History, Gen, Pedagogy, Philosophy, Podfic Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-07
Updated: 2010-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 02:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedusaur/pseuds/jedusaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He found a comfortable patch of moss to sit on and held up the hat. "All right," he muttered to it. "Let's find out what you're up to."</p><p>And he put it on.</p><p>"I'm up to exactly what you put me up to," echoed a cheerful voice in his head. "Creating a sensible framework for a new society of magical people to replace the currently prevalent chaos."</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Can't See Where It Keeps Its Brain

**Author's Note:**

> Title from an Arthur Weasley quote in HP2, about Riddle's diary: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain."
> 
> A podfic of this fic by reena_jenkins can be found [here](http://reena-jenkins.livejournal.com/86215.html#cutid4).

_You might belong in Gryffindor_  
Where dwell the brave at heart  
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry  
Set Gryffindors apart

"It has to make sense, all right?" said Godric. "I don't care what fancy features you want to add in, as long as they fit together."

"Where's the fun in that, then?" Helga lounged back in her chair, an impressive feat given that the chair was straight-backed and wooden. "It's a school of magic. There's nothing wrong with a few challenges."

They had been at this for a while, and Godric was getting tired, but he wasn't giving in on this one. "Challenges in a school ought to be surmountable. Besides, I don't want anything falling apart because the castle is fighting itself over contradictory directions. It's perfectly all right if you want the staircases to move. All I'm saying is make sure they know where to move and when."

"You think we should teach children that the world is logical? We should turn out generation after generation of witches and wizards who are under the impression that there are no unsolvable problems? How naive of you, Godric." Helga folded her arms across her ample bosom.

Salazar tore his gaze away from Helga's cleavage and cleared his throat. "Maybe we should discuss this when we get to the point of actually building the staircases, do you think?"

"Fine." Helga glared at Godric. "Let's talk about something else, then. How about, oh, who these students are going to be? We still haven't agreed who we're going to let in."

"Everyone," said Godric firmly.

"Everyone?" Helga demanded incredulously. "Everyone, he says! Giants and goblins and Muggles, they're all welcome! Tell me, Godric, what course plan would you recommend for a Muggle at a school of magical arts? How about raccoons, shall we teach them magic as well?"

Godric sighed. "You know what I meant, Helga. All the _people_ who want to attend should be allowed."

"Muggles are people," Rowena piped up, then cringed under the stares of the others. "Aren't they? Kind of?"

Salazar politely ignored this and returned to the topic at hand. "If we want to be known as a good school, we've got to turn out capable graduates," he said. "Which means we ought to enroll capable children. I propose that we design some sort of evaluation for prospective students."

Helga nodded. "But what to evaluate? And how?"

This had gone on too long. Godric decisively slammed his hat on the table. Salazar jumped in his seat, then glanced at Helga to see if she'd noticed. She hadn't.

"Look," said Godric, "we've been through this over and over and we never get anywhere. We all want different qualities in our students, and we've all poured a lot into this whole endeavor, so we really should all get a say. But if we select only children who fit all four sets of requirements, we might as well not bother building the castle, since they'll all fit comfortably in the broom shed. So let's agree to let in anyone who shows any magical talent at all, and then once they get here, this enchanted hat will sort them into four groups to fit each of us."

Helga, Salazar, and Rowena eyed the shabby, pointed gray hat dubiously.

"Well, it's not enchanted _yet_ ," said Godric defensively.

 _You might belong in Hufflepuff_  
Where they are just and loyal  
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true  
And unafraid of toil

"Loyalty, patience, and a strong work ethic," said Helga. "Eager, willing young minds without too much already in them, children who need nothing more than to be molded. And I'm partial to blondes."

Godric watched her, taking some pleasure in the rare sight of Helga Hufflepuff wearing a decidedly unflattering hat. She took great care with her appearance, choosing her accessories carefully and having her dresses designed to subtly sexualize her curvy, attractive figure. It was no surprise that Salazar was so smitten with her. He'd always been susceptible to that sort of thing.

"Why are you speaking to it out loud?" Godric asked her. "I gave it powers of Legilimency."

Helga lifted the floppy brim of the hat, revealing one unimpressed eye. "And I have powers of Occlumency, which I am currently using. You know me better than to believe that I would let a possession of yours read my mind. I think that's all for the moment." The last statement was addressed to the hat, which she then removed.

"I'm curious about the qualities you selected," Godric said, attempting to keep his voice neutral. "Loyalty and patience seem... perhaps not your most valued attributes."

Helga smiled a rather frightening smile. "Not in myself. But I'm not giving instructions on sorting me, am I? I'm choosing the kind of person I want to teach. The people I want to look up to me. To follow me."

"This school is not for training your underlings, Helga."

"No?" Helga stood up and cocked a hip, somehow making the motion as questioning as if she'd cocked her head. Salazar would have fainted. "Whose underlings will they be?"

"No one's," Godric started to say, then realized that this wasn't strictly true. After all, the reason they were opening the school in the first place was the rampant lack of organization in the wizarding world. There wouldn't be such a dire need for a school if every magical person were capable of being a leader. If they imposed order, they were putting themselves in a position of power, which meant that they would indeed be teaching their students to respect and follow them.

Helga had seen Godric's rants blown off course by the winds of rational thought often enough that she didn't need to say anything more. She raised one shapely eyebrow in triumph and swept off, leaving Godric the hat. He contemplated it. Perhaps he shouldn't be the one to go next.

 _Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw_  
If you've a ready mind  
Where those of wit and learning  
Will always find their kind

Godric found Rowena by the lake, watching the house-elves put the finishing touches on the outer stone wall of the castle. Inside was nothing but a massive pit where the underground levels would go in first, but now that the turrets were nearly done, it was easy to imagine that the whole castle was ready. Rowena liked to daydream about what the school would be like when it was open.

"Rowena," said Godric softly. She turned and smiled at him. He held out the hat. "Would you like to tell it about which students you want?"

She took it from him and picked at the hem, hesitating to put it on.

"What are you going to say?" asked Godric.

"I'm not sure," she murmured. "I... I want to ask it to find me students who are smart. I'd like intelligent children."

Godric wasn't sure how to react to that. "Rowena... you're wonderful, you know we couldn't have gotten this far without you, but..."

"I know." She gazed at the ground sadly. "I'm not. I'd just like to be around people who are."

"Maybe you should pick students who are caring and polite, who like people. Those are good things about you."

Rowena nodded. "You're right. Thank you, Godric." She put on the hat. Godric waited. Helga hadn't taken long, but this was the first time his Legilimency charm had been tested. Rowena sat there wearing the hat for a long time, much longer than Helga had worn it. When she took it off, she was beaming. "It said it was all right to pick smart children!" she said happily. "It said my choices make me who I am, and personal values are the pinnacle of choice."

Godric was beginning to wonder if he'd given the hat the correct parameters for the job he wanted it to do, but he couldn't very well go back on his own suggestion. "That's good, Rowena," he said, trying to sound encouraging.

"There's something else," she said tentatively. "I want to talk to you about magical children born to Muggles. I think we should let them in."

"I wish we could," Godric said. "I'm sure they would be able to learn to use magic almost as well as real witches and wizards, given the chance."

"Then let's give them the chance!"

"We can't. Salazar would never allow it. You know what the Muggles did to his family, Rowena. If we take their children, we risk being discovered and murdered."

Rowena cupped her chin in her hands despondently. "Maybe if we explained to them, if we tried to make peace..."

Godric was already shaking his head. "It's been tried. They always react with anger and violence. It's too dangerous. I'm sorry."

 _Or perhaps in Slytherin_  
You'll make your real friends  
Those cunning folks use any means  
To achieve their ends

Salazar was standing in the bottom of the pit inside the castle walls, admiring a statue. Godric couldn't make out the details from his vantage point at the front doors. He took a broomstick from the pile by the steps and flew down to meet Salazar, clutching the hat.

The statue was massive, and slightly resembled Salazar. The real wizard was much less gaunt, and Godric had never seen him muster quite that intense expression of evil, but he could see the similarities. "What's all this about?" he asked.

Salazar started. "Hey, you aren't supposed to see this," he complained.

"Oops. Sorry, was it a birthday present?"

"It's not funny." Salazar scowled. "It's my secret chamber. No one else is supposed to know about it."

"Really." Godric examined the statue and the area immediately surrounding it. "No one but the house-elves who were going to help you turn it from a hole into a chamber, you mean?"

"Well, yes. They don't count."

"And I presume Rowena helped you position all these snake-themed decorations. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you, Salazar, but I don't think your eye for dramatic impact is this developed."

"Rowena doesn't count either. She'll probably forget about it in a few days."

"True," Godric conceded. "Well, I apologize for stumbling in. I'll try to forget about it too. Did you want to talk to the hat now?"

Glowering, Salazar donned it. He finished even more quickly than Helga had. Godric wondered if he'd been practicing. "What did you tell it?"

"I want the real bastards," Salazar said smugly. "I want the ones who set their sights high and knock everyone else out of their way to reach them."

Godric sighed. "Can't you think for yourself about this, instead of just trying to impress Helga?"

Salazar shook his head. "You've got it all backwards. I didn't pick my values because Helga represents them. Don't you see, Godric? I like Helga because she represents my values." He hissed something in Parseltongue, then turned back to his statue.

 _So put me on! Don't be afraid!_  
And don't get in a flap!  
You're in safe hands (though I have none)  
For I'm a Thinking Cap!

The forest near the castle was lovely, although they'd need to think of a way to keep the students out of it until they had learned enough magic to handle its inhabitants. Godric flew straight out of the castle doors and into the thickest part of the woods. He wanted privacy for this.

He found a comfortable patch of moss to sit on and held up the hat. "All right," he muttered to it. "Let's find out what you're up to."

And he put it on.

"I'm up to exactly what you put me up to," echoed a cheerful voice in his head. "Creating a sensible framework for a new society of magical people to replace the currently prevalent chaos."

"You're not setting it up based on the qualities and attributes of the founders. Salazar isn't immoral, Rowena isn't smart, and Helga is nothing vaguely resembling loyal or hardworking."

"No?" the voice boomed thoughtfully. "Perhaps you don't know them as well as you thought. Immorality is nothing but intent, and anyone can have that. Your friend Ravenclaw may not be able to memorize books, but see what you think about her intelligence in a few years, when those doubts she just planted in your head about Muggle-born children start to sink in. The Hufflepuff woman, she's loyal to ideas and to herself, and the fact that you think she doesn't work hard just goes to show how very hard she works. Tell me, what qualities do you fancy in yourself?"

"Bravery and compassion." Godric had thought about this extensively.

"Compassion? Dear boy, you're the most selfish of the four of you. And you may be brave, but there's no telling, for bravery requires circumstance and opportunity. You've never had anything to face down, so you don't know how brave you are any more than I do."

Godric was quiet for a long moment. "I didn't make you so cruel."

"No, but you made me able to learn, and then you plopped me on the heads of the greatest witches and wizards of this time. It should come as no surprise that I've picked things up quickly."

"What do you think I should look for in my students, then?"

"Bravery and compassion, of course. I let the rest of them have their way, didn't I? It's no matter what you're really like, anyway. History will remember you in two dimensions, and I'm in charge of that."

"That's wrong. We should be remembered as we really were."

The hat laughed, an eerie sound. "It's some strong magic you poured into me, Gryffindor. The others love me. They won't let you change the Sorting method now. I'm a powerful magical artifact, and I'll do as I like. I've told you, it doesn't matter who you really were. What matters now is producing dedicated members of society, and society needs certain things. It needs masterminds, and it needs heroes, and it needs soldiers, and it needs spies. Congratulations, Gryffindor. You're a hero now. Did I mention I've learned to sing?"

Godric snatched the hat off his head and watched it numbly as it opened a small tear in its fabric and began singing,

 _Oh, you may not think I'm pretty_  
But don't judge on what you see  
I'll eat myself if you can find  
A smarter hat than me...  



End file.
